Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
