Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
