My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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