I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
