my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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