So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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