I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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