I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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