Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
