We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
