I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
