I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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