I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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