I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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