plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
