piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
