Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
