Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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