i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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