I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
