And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
