Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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