dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
