it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
