There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Randomize
