I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
