you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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