i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
