what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
