I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
