I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
