i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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