He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
