So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
