I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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