So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
