My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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