yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood and glitter go together right?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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