she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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