Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
