Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
