Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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