I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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