He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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