This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
