I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
