Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
