Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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