I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
