My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
