a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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