Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
