How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
