Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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