How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
