I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
