Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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