my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
