he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
