I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
