I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
